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January 24, 2010 / TildeWill

Out of Touch

Coming back from the Oakland Oracle Arena on BART, separated from my friends and standing way too close to other people, I thought, as I do from time to time.

Part of what’s going on is that I have a crap memory of the past and time lines. In my head, I was constantly in a relationship from the ages of 19 to 25. In truth, I spent most of those six years in one relationship or another, but there were plenty of 6 month blocks of singleosity in there. Presently, I’ve been on “several dates with one lady” as recently as October, but I also like to argue with myself that the last substantial relationship I had was back when I was 25. That’s just unfair to say.

What’s really going on?

  1. I’m out of college. People like me who are my age are farther apart – density is way lower out here in “the real world”.
  2. What I’m looking for has changed somewhat. Dating a student is no longer high on my list. If she doesn’t live on her own, that can also be a big downer. She’s got to be employed, show ambition, be assertive, and have a killer smile.
  3. This is the kicker, I have no idea who I am anymore.

Back when I was a fencer I could get behind it and sell it, “Hello, I’m a fencer, take it or leave it.” essentially. Now, there’s no elevator pitch for “Well I’m a guy who enjoys introspection, and I write software for the web, I’m kind of goofy, but not like most software guys, and I’m a little more in touch with human behavior, but not like someone who got a degree in psych, and blah blah blah.” I’d need a big ass skyscraper to begin to describe myself to someone in an elevator – that, or for someone to pull the fire alarm.

I need the box so I know how to market Will Read. I need to have a definition so I have something to shape perceptions around. Right now I’m more like fog than I am a definite shape.

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