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March 30, 2008 / TildeWill

Unsure

I’m seriously beginning to wonder if I might be depressed, clinically. I’ve had two people straight up ask me if I was depressed. One was back around the New Year and I felt pretty happy, and dismissed it as him reading too much into my retirement from fencing. Another was a buddy from work, who didn’t really ask me if I was depressed, but when I described the way I was feeling he said that’s also a characteristic of depression. This weekend when I called home my mom asked said something to the effect of “At least you weren’t alone.”

I don’t know if she meant it that way, but the fact that I took it that way seems to alert me to a problem. Physical symptoms:

  • I haven’t been sleeping well
  • I haven’t had much of an appetite for the last month
  • I’ve had more headaches
  • My jaw hurts when I come home because I’m probably grinding my teeth at work
  • This is probably too much info, but I haven’t pooped consistently for close to a month

I just don’t think of myself as the kind of person who can be depressed. I’m always the guy who dances when it’s way too early to be doing anything, let alone dancing. I’m the guy who you go to when you need a smile, a silly joke, or just an ear to listen. But then it was Tuesday last week, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed. I’m sure there were some chuckles in there. But it was at least four days since I had really laughed, and that’s when I started to wonder about how healthy my emotional state really is.

I’m not sure what I hope to accomplish by writing this down for all to see, other than to keep a record, so when I look back in a year and they’re carting me off to the funny farm I can say “Oh yeah, that’s what it was.” I’m not really ready to admit I have this problem, so I am certainly not ready to receive help. I think I need to ride this thing out a little longer, and see what happens before I’m ready to commit.

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