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October 20, 2007 / TildeWill

That One Person

I think after a conversation with Tiago and Josh tonight over some really good pizza, I better understand a part of who I am. Our conversation was all over the place, but one of the things that Tiago mentioned was how women seemed to have crushes on other women. What Josh and I extrapolated was not that women are romantically attracted to one another, but he meant that a woman tends to form a strong bond with a another woman in her life, just one at a time.

My knee-jerk reaction was “that’s odd”, but then I realized I’m not any different. In grade school, I had a friend, John. John was certainly my best friend, and arguably my only friend. One summer afternoon after fifth grade, we had a fight. It was just like a break up when I look back on it. I found a replacement, Pat. I did everything with Pat, even nothing. When Pat started dating, I got jealous, my companion’s time was divided all of a sudden.

When I went to college, alone, I again found myself needing a person, that one person. Matt filled those shoes for a while. Ultimately, I ended up growing a pair and dating someone. In that person I put all of my trust, my secrets, my life.

It’s probably that same need that made me jump from girlfriend to girlfriend for a while. There was a string, without much down time in between, and some might argue that I was rebounding. Really, I think I’ve just been afraid to be alone, to not have that person.

In finances, they tell you “not to put all of your eggs in one basket.” But I feel like the best connections I’ve shared with people have been when I loaded up that one basket with all the eggs I could find. In the interim between girlfriends, I’ve been able to find some success in putting some of my eggs in a few baskets, but I really just want one, one basket, one person.

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