Unsure

I’m seriously beginning to wonder if I might be depressed, clinically. I’ve had two people straight up ask me if I was depressed. One was back around the New Year and I felt pretty happy, and dismissed it as him reading too much into my retirement from fencing. Another was a buddy from work, who didn’t really ask me if I was depressed, but when I described the way I was feeling he said that’s also a characteristic of depression. This weekend when I called home my mom asked said something to the effect of “At least you weren’t alone.”

I don’t know if she meant it that way, but the fact that I took it that way seems to alert me to a problem. Physical symptoms:

• I haven’t been sleeping well
• I haven’t had much of an appetite for the last month
• I’ve had more headaches
• My jaw hurts when I come home because I’m probably grinding my teeth at work
• This is probably too much info, but I haven’t pooped consistently for close to a month

I just don’t think of myself as the kind of person who can be depressed. I’m always the guy who dances when it’s way too early to be doing anything, let alone dancing. I’m the guy who you go to when you need a smile, a silly joke, or just an ear to listen. But then it was Tuesday last week, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed. I’m sure there were some chuckles in there. But it was at least four days since I had really laughed, and that’s when I started to wonder about how healthy my emotional state really is.

I’m not sure what I hope to accomplish by writing this down for all to see, other than to keep a record, so when I look back in a year and they’re carting me off to the funny farm I can say “Oh yeah, that’s what it was.” I’m not really ready to admit I have this problem, so I am certainly not ready to receive help. I think I need to ride this thing out a little longer, and see what happens before I’m ready to commit.

Protected: [less] Grrrr

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Who Cakes at IHOP

I got more tonight. I had some on my trip to Rosemont, IL for the North American Cup (fencing) there. They’re made for kids for the upcoming Dr. Suess movie, and they’re pretty amazing. Put them in your mouf!

Brave and Attentive

I must be doing something right. This week one woman called me brave. Another called me attentive. Did I do the actions that warranted those compliments? Probably. Do I feel I did anything out of the ordinary to deserve them? Not really. This is not to discredit the compliments or say that they were unwanted… I just felt… humbled.

To me, attentive guys don’t grab the wrong soup mix when they’ve promised to make soup. Brave guys don’t hide from verbal confrontation at their club. I’m not always brave, nor attentive. But when I was told I was those things, it set the bar higher for me. “[It] makes me want to be a better man.” -Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets. So Ladies, I promise I will do my best to continue to earn your high marks of attentive and brave, for as long as you continue to give them.

To Have Lifed a Full Life

I was talking to Josh this weekend and I realized one of my biggest governing values is that when I die, be it 70 years or 70 days from now (don’t worry, I don’t plan on dying soon), I want people to say “He lived a full life.” I don’t want them to think I was sitting on my duff, missing out on opportunities, not contributing, not being the person I wanted to be. I don’t want them to think I was miserable. I want them to know I am happy, enjoying life, that I felt and experienced everything I could within reason.

When I make decisions, big decisions, this is the principle I usually pull on the most, especially when there’s risk involved. When I started RCF, I thought”Would I want them to say, ‘He had a good financial history.’ or would I want them to say ‘He ran a fencing club, owned a business, taught people how to fence.’?” The choice for me at that point became very easy. I pull on this principle again now that I’m leaving fencing. There are people who can do what I’ve been doing, and they can do it better, so it’s time for me to continue living a full life in a new way.

Dickerson Is Leaving

Dickerson has moved out to California by now. I should call him to figure out exactly where in Cali he is. If he’s close to Sacramento I’d like to see him assuming I go out there for fencing Summer Nationals.

I’d like to say that he and I are good enough friends that we’ll stay that way despite the distance. I know we’ll keep in touch, even if it’s just the one way communication of a blog, but I know exactly how often I go to California, and let me tell you, it’s a lot less than how often I make my way to Chicago.

I know I’ll see him at his wedding since I’ll be standing in it. I wonder if Lauren is planning to stay in Chi-town until post-marriage? If that’s the case then I should go see her a time or two for some more Settlers of Catan or break out the Munchkin… it’s a game too, get your mind out of the gutter (you’re crowding mine)!

I miss him already. it’s times like these where I feel like the world isn’t as small as I usually believe it to be.

Protected: Hard to Let Go

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It’s Much Simpler Than You Might Guess

People ask me what I’ll do when I retire from fencing. I usually think too hard about the question and I answer “Learn to dance, take classes, who knows?” But the answer is much simpler than that. When I retire from fencing, I’ll have dinner before 9pm, and I’ll sleep enough in the week so that when the weekend comes around they’re not so sacred to me. My life will come back into balance. I will be a healthy me again.