Be What You Want to See

I was watching Star Trek: Enterprise the other night and in the episode, one of the male crew members gets impregnated with an alien life form. As he’s walking to dinner he feels that everyone is looking at him and whispering about his awkward situation behind his back. It occurred to me that this man was paranoid, and I wondered why. Given the character, the reason he suspects everyone would be talking about him (aside from the hormonal imbalance) is that he’d probably be talking about someone else behind their back.

The conclusion I then drew after contrasting his reaction with what mine would be, is that a person perceives in others what he sees in himself. So since I make an effort to not gossip, I rarely assume that others would be gossiping about me. Taking a liberal brush to this idea, I’m then led to conclude as a general rule, a person is inclined to see his own characteristics in others and bases assumptions off of his own character traits.

More importantly is the implication this has if one wanted to change his perceptions. Instead of sitting there squinting really hard and telling one’s self that the people around him weren’t evil, all he would need to do is stop being evil himself.

Conclusion: Change yourself and you change the world around you.

My Blog Helped Me

Recently I posted about feeling unwelcome for the upcoming event to hang with Scott at my ex’s place. Since then I got an email from my ex saying that I was indeed welcome and that she never intended to cause such feelings. Well I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t read my blog, especially after I moved it, so that means a mutual friend read what was here and relayed my feelings.

It does feel childish in hindsight. Like someone who asks a friend to ask someone else for him. But at the same time one must acknowledge that the traditional lines of communication have been dissolved. What I’m getting at, the point of this post, is to thank whomever stepped our of his.her way to make sure I’ll have a good time tomorrow.

Thank you Mystery Person, it is perhaps the best Christmas gift I got this year!

Sometimes I Wish I Bled Out Once a Month

This site has all kinds of stuff I’d wear if I had boobs! It’s called Elsewares and it features a necklace with a level, purple resistor ear rings, a belt made from an IDE cable, and a bracelet from a metal ruler.

I might still make myself a level necklace…

If You Like What I’m Doing

If you like what I’m doing the best thing you can do is encourage me and tell me I’m doing a good job. My parents like to tell a story from preschool when the teacher noted that I got disappointed when I wasn’t showered with praise. I felt like I had failed, when in truth the only problem was that no one went out of their way to tell me I was doing good things.

I think fencing is addictive for me in this regard. Every time I’m I’m worn out and about to bail someone comes along and tells me that I’m doing well, that they appreciate my efforts. I can’t think of any instances in personal relationships, but I imagine the same principle holds true there as well for me.

Unwelcome

This is a grumble post. I know what my options are and what I could do for what reasons, I just need to grumble about it.

Next Tuesday, Scott will be in Cincinnati. Scott was the president of the PFC before me and is a big part of who I am today. Scott lives in Virginia and I haven’t seen him in over a year. So since he’s visiting home in Indiana he decided to stop in Cinci on his way back to Virginia to visit all the PFC people in Cinci.

The trouble comes in that he selected my ex-girlfriends place to have such a gathering. The problem isn’t so much the ex-girlfriend as it is that it’s her turf. I’ll admit that I’m never 100% ready to see her when it’s at a mutual friend’s party or out on the streets of Cincinnati. But she’s never invited me to her place, event this thing Scott invited me (and everyone else to her place). The one time I dropped by I was given a thorough chewing out after the fact.

So there are three options. 1) Let my discomfort and feeling of unwelcomeness dictate my actions and pass on the gathering and not see Scott and a bunch of other friends. 2) Let my discomfort and feeling of unwelcomeness dictate my actions and instead go see Scott on my own at his parents’ place. 3) Ignore my feeling of unwelcomeness and go and see Scott and everyone else.

There are three problems. #1 doesn’t get me to see Scott. #2 interferes with my already busy Christmas agenda and I know the conversation and fun would not be as great as it would be in Cinci. #3 Is a problem because despite my best efforts I’ll still feel uncomfortable, and my reaction to discomfort is jaded sarcasm. I’ll also suffer because my ex will behave as if she were my friend, but cease to do so the moment I walk out her door, and the disjunct is difficult for me to comprehend.

P.S. If anyone out there reading this knows Scott and wants to see him I’d imagine you’d be welcome out in Cinci as well.

No One Remembers

Heather made a reference to Dave Coulier in her away message today and it got me wondering what Dave was up to. So I went online to see what Google News turned up. Apparently he’s going to be on some figure skating reality show, but my beef is more with how they describe him. They say he got his start on Full House where he developed the “Cut It Out” trademark hand gesture. All of it is lies!

Dave actually was doing the hand gestures a full three years in 1984 earlier on a show called Out of Control which aired on Nickelodeon and got me through the hard days of my childhood. It was a show closely in line with Pee Wee’s Playhouse. He was also doing voices for cartoons like The Jetsons as far back as 1982.

So to Dave I say, I’m sorry that the media is without a childhood graced by your presence. And now that I know you’re from Detroit you will always have a special place in my heart. But I’m not gay.

Thoughts on others’ relationships

I’ve got two friends who recently have both entered into the beginnings of relationships (two separate relationships). I’m going to oversimplify the situations to make my point, not to comment on their situations because I honestly am not that familiar with their situations, only the bits they tell me.

On one hand is my male friend. He’s an active guy with a busy schedule. His hope is that his new female interest will take it upon herself to become active in all of the things he does so that he need not change his schedule very much and still get the added benefit of a girlfriend. On the other hand is my female friend who is dating a guy and she recognizes that her new male interest has a busy schedule so she has already come to the conclusion that it will be hard for him to see her and that it weakens the chance of a successful relationship.

In the last year I’ve learned a lot about myself and about the way a good, healthy relationship ought to work. The two biggest keys to a relationship that I’ve found are understanding and compromise. For me, the understanding part comes in the form of realizing that I will probably never find a woman I want to date who is as nuts about fencing as I am in the same ways that I’m nuts about fencing. It’s ok because while I’m fencing, I’m being a fencer or a ref, or a coach, but not a boyfriend. I also hope that I will understand that she will do things that won’t interest me, and that’s ok too.

The compromise part comes in where maybe having a girlfriend means I can’t fence as much, or I have to stay home to be with my woman instead of going to a competition. Would I feel great about that decision? Probably not, but overall I would feel good because I’m balancing two things I hold to be very important in my life. I will also be the first to admit that I struggle in the area of balancing, and it takes more communication than it might with others to convey what is important to me and what is important to her. But once I understand that relationship it’s easy to make the choices.

I blog to fill a void

I blog to fill a void in my own life. I know previously I’ve said I blog to make others feel normal or to reflect on myself. Tonight while was walking around in Target looking for a Christmas present for my dad I realized I blog most when I am alone. When there’s no one so close to me that I don’t have to explain who this person is or why I was on that trip. I blog most desperately when I need someone to understand me, to understand how I feel and why I feel it.

I can’t say I’ve ever been very good at developing relationships, at least not a multitude of relationships. Dickerson recently pointed out that I have a tendency to put all of my love, my effort into one person, one thing at a time. The result is that I get that one person, that one thing that suits me perfectly and quenches my need to have some stranger understand me. It also means I am that much more vulnerable when that one thing leaves my life.

I blog because I am flawed and because I need someone to listen and understand.

I could make sweet love

to 100% cotton t-shirts. I’ve got one. It feels like sex. And it has fencing on it. Shirt++. When RCF makes shirts for sale, they will be 100% cotton.

I Fell 100 feet and not a scratch on me

It was of course several falls of 10-20 feet each. Last night at RockQuest was the second of three classes in getting lead climb certified. So we learned to fall and we learned to belay (control the rope and climber from the ground). I was belaying for Kyle who is a bigger guy than I am, and so when he falls he pulls me up off the ground and into the wall. The fun part is that i then get to lower myself back down.

Ah but falling… I don’t know but the route we were climbing was challenging enough. Now I’m adding the task of remembering to clip in as I climb and my arms were toast by the time I got to the falling point. So the first time up I took only three falls before my arms were spent and my nerves were shot. After the other two went I went back up and felt much better about the whole thing. If you want the adrenaline flowing though, falling is a good way to get that going.

Then next week we get to learn about all the outdoors stuff. I have no intention of climbing outside in an uncontrolled environment. Maybe someday, but not any time soon. One adventure at a time.